After the call we had so many things to do. Being a gay couple, we didn't want to disappoint, so there were things about the bedroom that we had to change. We had to find a new bed and find a way to accommodate 2 boys instead of one. After about 12 hours of shopping, putting furniture together, and preparing we finished the room. The boys would be coming that next day and we were so excited that sleep was quite hard.
It was finally the next morning and the anticipation was killing us. The boys arrived and we were so excited that we had to meet the vehicle out front. They were as cute as could be, and were already ready for a bath and change of clothes. We slowly got them moved in to the room and brought in their things and got them changed. They were just 2 cute boys and were happy and very receptive to us. Sure they had the typical things such as loud, jumping around a bit, and messing with anything that looked different. Overall they were being 2 boys and it was ok with us.
That's not to say that it was all hunky dory for us. We had that o' shit moment where we thought, "What in the hell have we gotten ourselves into?" We were happy about it, but we also knew that bringing in 2 boys was going to be a challenge. The boys were great and I was personally thrilled at the idea that we finally had our 2 boys which was the number we were looking for as far as adoptive sons were concerned. After that, the onslaught of negative events began to occur...
First was dealing with my job. One of the reasons I had chosen to stay at my job which is a night hospital supervisor and emergency department nurse at a hospital that's 60 miles from where I live was because my boss and I had discussed adoption and she was adamant that I would be able to get off and that the position was flexible and that's why I should keep working here. I have been staying in the town I work for my shifts, and then going home when I am off. I knew that once children were in my house that things were going to change and I was going to have to go home more frequently, which was fine with me. I was very aware of what changes would occur. I texted my boss the day we were told, which was one day before the boys would be there, and I told her that we were taking 2 boys in and that I really needed one night off so that I could be there with my partner and the children. I had already tried the supervisor opposite me, and he had plans for a concert and couldn't work. To my surprise my boss told me that since it is such a short notice (which she knew would be the case) I had to find my own coverage and that I should text some of our nurses that work for us as needed. That text alone pissed me off. I have worked my ass off for these people, worked for things anniversaries, "daughters personal issues", and other very insignificant issues. Those were days when I was supposed be off enjoying my day and getting my school work done, but instead I came to help because I was trying to be nice. It sure didn't help me much because my boss couldn't even mass text all the nurses. She sent me individual numbers and told me to contact them and that she could not work because even though she is the nurse manager on-call (means that if there is another nurse needed you have to work), she had "mini" plans on Saturday. So she was essentially telling me that even though she is supposed to work if someone needs it, she isn't going to because she made plans on a day that she may have to work. I finally found a nurse that was willing to work 4 or 5 hours for me (she has a day job too) and I appreciated that. I though it at least allowed me to spend a little time with the family and get them settled in. I was wrong on that one. I think that in retrospect, going to work has caused way more problems than it is/was worth.
The problems keep on flowing. I have always though of myself as a positive person, I mean I do blog when there is a chance no one will read a thing I say. While also gaining a perspective that I am a shit magnet and things aren't going to improve for me for quite some time. I won't bore you with those details but lets just say there has been some missed job opportunities, situations that should be positive but are not due to some details of them, and very bad luck in the adoption process.
The problems keep on flowing. I have always though of myself as a positive person, I mean I do blog when there is a chance no one will read a thing I say. While also gaining a perspective that I am a shit magnet and things aren't going to improve for me for quite some time. I won't bore you with those details but lets just say there has been some missed job opportunities, situations that should be positive but are not due to some details of them, and very bad luck in the adoption process.
So as the problems keep flowing, I am 60 miles away.
My partner and I agreed about 4 or 5 years ago that he would be a "stay at home dad" and I would work. This would allow me to have a job that may be demanding but paid well while he was always available. This also worked for us because as a nurse my schedule is a very demanding one and we are able to spend time with each other because he doesn't have to go anywhere. That being said, it has been three years since we have moved to our new home and he has been work and school free for three years. I don't hold anything against him because it was a mutual decision, but after three years, I would assume one would understand and be ready for the change since he is a part of this process as well.
Knowing I had to go to work, I knew that shit was going to hit the fan. My partner has his strengths, but one of his weaknesses is that he is extremely emotional and doesn't have very good critical thinking skills. He has a ton of practical knowledge, but applying critical thinking has never been one of them. Since I was going to be gone, I asked my brother who is 15 to stay at our house to help my partner out. He was more than willing to do so and know me and my partner well enough that he could handle the situation pretty well.
Even though I knew the negatives that were going to happen, I didn't think it was going to be near as negative for my partner as it has been. I knew it was going to be overwhelming for him and I told him that I would call in to work if he needed me too, and he declined each time. It may be selfish, but being 60 miles away and essentially having to work because we need the money, I feel so powerless in the situation. The first night I got a text as he went to bed and he was talking about how much he loved our new family. The next day was hell for him I suppose, because at the end of the day he is on the phone crying and saying that he doesn't know if this is what he wants. I tried explaining to him that I will quit where I work and take any job I can find if that is what he wants/needs, and that I am going to parent in any way possible. I need to get some work done on the car that I travel in, so I am not very quick to drive it back and forth more so than necessary. As the day and days went on, he continued to become more stressed. He finally started telling me that he doesn't know if this is what he wants and he wants his old life back. What do I say to that? I mean who wouldn't like to be back from having 2 kids to it being just you and your dogs with no other big responsibilities? I know I sure wouldn't mind it, but I also know that he isn't that kind of person and that he is really stressing. I do believe that it is stress that can be fixed by time and routine, but he has trouble seeing situations that he feels are negative turning into a positive one. I told him to remember that the child that we first had went the same way. He loved it, then hated it, then loved it even more. It took time and the development of a routine.
I personally think that time, a good schedule, and co-parenting will help make the situation better, but he has trouble seeing that. They are two boys. They are at ages where pouting and whining are prevalent, and they require a ton of attention, just as two children would. I feel so powerless in the situation. He knows that having children and a family is crucial to my life plan. Agreed all things change, but there are few things I know for certain and one of those is that I want a family that is more than my partner, me, and our dogs. I also feel that as time goes on he will become more used to it, but in the time that it takes for that to happen I have to decide how to handle it.
Being a part of the healthcare field can be a good thing at times and bad at others. We know so many things about the human body, and we have the most dangerous tool which is the knowledge and understanding of all of the human conditions, which some of us apply to ourselves from time to time. I really respect Erickson's Stages of Development. I feel that there is a very strong evidence based backing to it and I have personally seen it. For myself and the majority of people, I feel that getting married and having children are portions that must be obtained. I am not saying that everyone should, I just believe that the majority of our population need that in order to successfully advance to the next stage of development. As we get older and grow up, we require different things in our lives in order to have a health body and psyc. Ten years ago one of the most important developmental phases that I was dealing with was the ability to socialize and develop my own sense of self. Now, I am at a totally different place. I would like to think that I have successfully passed each of the stages of development up to this point, which is where I stand. I think that God puts things and events in our life in order to challenge us and help us. I have dealt with many challenges in my relatively short time on earth, but I see my children as a light in a tunnel that has been dark for quite sometime.
So how do I move on from here. He knows, as do I, that having a family is a crucial part of who I am and that not having a family is not an option for me. I love him with every piece of my being and I want this to work so damn bad I can't take it. I feel that at this point a lot of positive reinforcement along with me being able to be with them for several days, will improve the situation, it just has to. I am used to writing fiction, this is real, this is me, I assume that even though it is cheesy, I'll call this journey I am on, "The Diary of a Gay Dad", and this is part 1 of what I hope is a long and prosperous journey.
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